The Table Is Set… So Is the Tension: A New Way to Navigate Family Conflict This Holiday Season

There’s a slow, hopeful excitement as the heat of summer finally begins to ease.

Store windows fill with autumnal browns, ambers, and ochres. Pumpkin patches begin advertising. Community centers post their fall-festival dates. Even if the weather hasn’t yet caught up, everything around us says the holidays are coming.

For many, that anticipation carries a quiet dread.

Not because of the perennial pumpkin-spice debate.

Because the holidays bring us back into the rooms where family wounds often sit at the head of the table. And while the gatherings might be joyful for a lucky few. For many, they bring old wounds to the surface or invite careful avoidance.

“We want to honor the holidays and taste joy, yet sometimes our pain adds a dryness to the turkey and a bitterness to the pie.”

The season might be difficult, even terrible, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

So let’s talk about it. Let’s start where we so often start: with our parents.

“Honor your father and mother” — What does that really mean?

The commandment carries weight, and like any directive, it can be misunderstood if we don’t examine it. The purpose of the Commandments is not to restrict us but to set us free — to help us live in abundance and in accordance with our nature.

Think of the Commandments reframed: you are made in the image of God, and because you reflect the Father’s love, you are freed from the effects of theft, violence, crippling envy, and the chains of fear. When you reflect that love you become more content, more self-possessed, and freer — free to be grateful, to make good decisions, to love without shame.

Justice, or giving to each what is due, lies at the heart of those commandments.

So what do our parents deserve?

A simple way to answer: exactly what you do.
They deserve respect, fidelity, honoring of vocation, forgiveness, freedom from manipulation and shame, appropriate support, and love.

If that list feels overwhelming, you are not alone.

Why honoring them feels so hard

No family is perfect, and none of us can be perfectly just. Often, the reason honoring our parents feels so hard is that we did not receive the justice that was owed to us.

This is not an excuse to blame parents; if anything, it’s an invitation to compassion. Many parents themselves never received justice, so they simply passed on what they could with the broken tools they were given. You can’t give what you haven't received.

Maybe some of these phrases sound familiar:

“You never say no to your mother/father.”
“Because I said so.”
“You should never speak badly about the family.”
“After all you’ve been given, you should be grateful.”
“I thought you'd be better since you're a Christian.”

If these resonate and bring pain, there has likely been a lack of justice in your family.

To survive that lack, your nervous system found ways to adapt to the family ecosystem: maybe you became the peacekeeper, the achiever, the jokester, the golden child, or the black sheep.

Either way, no matter what role you assumed, it likely makes the “expectation” of honoring your parents feel heavier and more confusing than it needs to be.

When going home feels like going backward

If family reunions feel like stepping into a narrowed, unwelcome role or like suddenly becoming an overwhelmed child, frustration is natural.

Many Christians equate honoring parents with being “nice.” To many of us, it means avoiding conflict, doing whatever’s asked, and only showing the acceptable parts of ourselves. It ultimately demands an erasing, rather than an honoring of the self.

Your parents did not intend for things to be this hard; they wanted the best for you but they are human and fallible. They may have avoided their own failures and pain and now they don't know how to do anything other than avoid yours too. Sometimes the patterns you inherited were all they had to give.

Acknowledging this does not excuse harm. It creates room for compassion.

Courage looks like honoring your pain too

Thank you for being here and for having the courage to be honest about the pain you feel. It might feel wrong right now, but it's not. By doing so, you are learning to honor yourself.

Getting to know yourself is the beginning of healing, self-respect, and wholeness. In a word, this is the path of holiness. As hard as it is, take the next small step to honor your pain and offer yourself compassion and mercy.

As your capacity for mercy slowly grows, it will radiate outward, especially toward your parents.

If you feel trapped and unable to disagree or share your heart at the family table, know this is not a moral failure but a conditioned protection. Your inner child was taught to keep you safe; it can be reparented, soothed, and loved.

As it receives what it has always needed, you’ll start to see that your parents needed the same things, and your capacity for forgiveness and mercy will expand. Then honoring your parents becomes less an obligation and more a natural disposition that flows from freedom rather than fear.

Honoring from freedom, not fear

That freedom won’t always be easy. Courageous vulnerability, forgiveness, and lovingly enforced boundaries can be met with resistance or rejection. Even so, you can honor your parents through prayer, fasting, and the ongoing work of your own healing.

In time, discovering how best to honor them will feel less like a command and more like living into your true, free self.

There is hope for a different kind of holiday

Your holidays this year may not be everything you hoped for, but they do not have to be the same as last year.

Now is the best time to find hope. Reflect on how you’ve been hurt, why you feel sad, and where your anger comes from. Feelings are gifts from God, so don’t avoid them, don’t punish yourself for them.

As the gatherings begin, be patient with yourself and curious about what comes up. Trust that you are on a path toward growth, restoration, and holiness.

With time, clarity about how to honor your mother and father will come.

This year can be different.

If this article hit a nerve, that’s your heart telling you the story is ready to change.

Join us on Sunday, November 23 for a deeper dive during our free live workshop:

Unmeshed: How to Heal Family Wounds While Staying Connected

Inside, we’ll cover:
• The cycle that keeps you feeling like a child around your parents
• Why honoring yourself honors the relationship
• Small shifts that open the door to connection
• How to break the patterns without breaking the family

You are allowed to change.
You are allowed to bring hope home.

Reserve Your Spot ➡️ https://unmeshed.online/webinar-registration-page